decoding patriarchy: a user’s guide!

In my peregrinations through this wonderful thing we call life, I have encountered my fair share of patriarchy. Most of what I learned I learned through supporting bhikkhuni ordination. I realized that there was a rather distinctive and repeated pattern of dialogue. And since then I’ve noticed it a bunch of times. So here are a few lessons learned.

i see that you’re feeling …

A classic: blame the emotions. Feminine, unreliable, and they give you a great chance to poke someone where they hurt.

If anyone tries to discredit, marginalize, or diminish you for your emotions, they are doing you harm. Emotions are good. Emotions are real. They’re part of what makes us human.

The other day, someone said to me, “anger is good, it makes you focus”. I knew that wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t get it until later. What anger does is demand a response. You have to rise up to meet the anger, to recognize it and overcome it. And that’s what good, not the anger itself.

The Buddhist response to emotion is empathy. If you see that someone you’re with is getting emotional, slow down and take care. Make sure they know, either explicitly or implicitly, that they are okay, and that you support them. And you can start to ask how you are involved with that: as cause or solution? More, to understand why that person is emotional. Emotions are weird, and one person is triggered by something that would never affect you in a million years.

i only wanted to protect you from …

Patriarchs couch themselves as guardians and protectors, so that when silly people say things that challenge them, they have a duty to silence them for their own good. They only have your best interests at heart. Keep you safe.

But from what, exactly? If someone wants to protect you, there must be a danger. Where does that danger come from?

“Protection” is a threat. They’re telling you that if you don’t toe the line, they, or someone like them, will hurt you. That’s why these veiled threats are always phrased in a passive voice. “You will be hurt …”. The one who actually does the hurting is always left unsaid.

When you hear this language, know that patriarchs are only and always protecting themselves. They’re the danger. If they say things that sound like a veiled threat, that’s what it is.

The classic response is to smile and diminish oneself, look pretty and say nothing. Be the doormat. Sometimes you need to do that, to get out of immediate danger. But in the long run it just perpetuates and empowers those who are misusing power.

Stand up for yourself. There’s nothing more annoying than a doormat that speaks when you step on it.

it’s the way that you said it …

They make the rules. Which means that whatever you do, they say, “Oh, that’s not how it’s done.” Naturally, you ask, “Well, how is it done then?” Good luck with that!

They use the rules to diminish you, to other you. You’re not in the inner sanctum. So they tut tut and share a knowing glance.

They’ll tell you that your perspective is valued, and that different points of view are welcomed. They’ll smile, make you feel nice, then leave and get rid of you.

but what you did was …

On the one hand, the patriarchs sit, as they always have, on a seat in the halls of power. I’m not being figurative here: I mean a literal seat in a court, an office, a parliament, a temple, a lecture hall (okay, maybe standing for that one). They are the deciders.

On the other hand, nothing ever seems to be their fault. Things just happen to be the way they are. Men are in charge. Well, we just selected based on merit, and it turned out to be a bunch of men. How about that?

When anything is raised, they don’t really answer the issue at all. You say, “Well that isn’t true, it didn’t happen”, then they just glide on again to the next point, and the next one. And then back again to the first point. The truth, it turns out, has no independent reality, it is a servant of power.

Don’t get distracted by trying to squash all the little distractions they make. Focus, relentlessly, on their abuses of power.

now you’re just being childish …

Infantalizing the other, calling them immature or childish, for not understanding how the world really works. What that means is that the world works by power, we’re in charge, and your petty concerns are irrelevant. Grow up and accept reality. Our reality.

The compassionate response, if someone truly doesn’t understand, is to help them learn. Normally these things are pretty simple, and if someone can’t explain themselves, that’s on them.

Funny thing is, lots of patriarchs are objectively childish. They treat women like they did when they were teenagers. Sometimes it feels like their feminist education stopped with Porkys.

you’re just saying that because …

If there’s one thing a patriarch knows, it’s your inner heart. They know the real reason you’re doing it. It’s your ego. Your desire. You want fame. You want attention. You’re ambitious. You just can’t let go.

The one thing that seemingly never occurs to them is that people do things because they genuinely believe in them. That if we speak up for equality, it’s because it truly is a core value.

Any statements on principle are no more than empty words that serve as hidden vehicles for a person’s real, darker intent.

Which says quite a lot about them. When there’s no compassion, the only way to relate to others is through projection.

To respond, remember that only you know who you are. Don’t second guess your own heart based on the words of another. And don’t doubt your own values.

So that’s just a few. I’ve surely missed a whole bunch of things. Anyway, hoping that for someone lost in the dark halls, this might serve to light the way to the exit door.